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iDiot

August 5, 2011

Recently, after three years of lugging around the technological dinosaur (a.k.a. the iPhone 3G) I re-signed away my telecommunication rights and $180.00 for another three years of costly and somewhat desultory cellphone service. In exchange for my renewed allegiance at some point within the next 30 days I would be receiving the amazing iPhone 4.

Oddly the new phone arrived in the mail just a day and a half later. I opened the box an admired it’s newness, it’s sleek updated design, it’s crystal clear resolution, the feel of it in my hand and of course all of the new earth changing scientific know-how within. Personally, I never dreamed of a day when I would have the ability to set different images of my Abs on both the “Home” and “Lock” screens simultaneously!

My old phone lay there looking dejected, it’s sad scratched face, it’s broken camera and incontinent random ringer. iSnubbed my nose at it’s 2008ness, iPffft at it!

I plugged in the SIM card and called my provider anxious to have my au courant device activated. Success! What a smooth transition I thought, the phone had arrived promptly, there was no run around with activation, and to top it all off the following day marked the start of ten days of summer holidays. What brilliant timing, just me and my new phone and the open road, I’m going to slap the Fat Face app on anyone who crosses my path for the next two weeks I reckoned!

The next morning my phone and I hit the road. Two ferry rides later we reached our destination. I will call my sister and let her know I’ve arrived in town I thought. Seconds later my sister picked up, “Hello” she said sounding a million miles away. “Hello, hello, can you hear me?” I replied. “I’m here, I can hear you” she said again. “You sound like you are are under water” I told her. “Weird, I can hear you fine” she said.

Initially I didn’t get my gonch in a knot, I figured perhaps my “City Fido” may just be giving the proverbial Angry “Bird” to my geo-location. Unfortunately I was wrong! For the next two weeks every call I received including test calls within the same room had me straining to make out each and every word. I bitched about it to anyone who would listen. Luckily, and strangely I thought, when I put callers on speaker phone I could hear them just fine?. Nonetheless I had had enough, this was unacceptable and I would be taking Fido to task upon my return.

The day I got back I made that call, our conversation went as follows…

customer service: “mumble mumble mumble mumble”

me: in a polite but assertive voice, “My phone isn’t working, you will have to speak up as i can barely hear you!”.

customer service: barely audible, “I can hear you fine, how can we help you today Mr. Evans?”

me: “Yeah well I can’t hear you and I’ve only had this phone for two weeks and I want to know what you are going to do about it!?”

20 minutes of tunnel talk later I deduced that I needed to take my phone in to any Fido store and that they would gladly sort me out in the flesh.

Skeptical, I picked up the phone typed “Fido” into the map app and started walking in the suggested direction. As I neared the store I began to prepare myself for the inevitable battle over what exactly happened to my phone and who was going to be responsible to fix it. I pulled my shoulders back puffed out my chest, walked in and took my place in line. A few minutes later a calmly looking woman called me up to the desk and asked how she could help me. Presenting my phone to her I explained how I had only had this phone for two weeks and that I had been away for those two weeks and that because of that I hadn’t had much reason to make any calls but that when I did I couldn’t hear people’s voices and that it was like communicating through one of those tin can and string phones we made as children except that people on the other end seemed to have no problem hearing me just fine. I took a breath.

“Oh well we can’t have that” she said, “Can I have a look at your phone sir?”. I passed her my phone, she gave it a quick scan, flipped it over and promptly began to peel off the manufacturers protective cellophane cover I had left on it’s flawless new face. “No No don’t remove that, I’ve purposely left that there until I find a sweet case worthy of protecting it”. If you remove that they wont believe that I’ve kept the phone pristine and I…I…I’m an iDiot.

Communication barrier

In my defense, and after having the calmly woman call me from across the room to pound the final nail into my iDiot coffin, she explained to me that this was normal, that others had made the same mistake and that indeed on past versions of the iPhone a small slit was cut out right where anyone in their right mind would imagine you might HEAR from!

“Junk” Mail

April 19, 2011

Do you ever receive snail mail anymore, I mean other than bills and flyers and the like?. I certainly don’t, well not until a few days ago that is. I opened my mailbox to find an envelope addressed to me but with no return address. Weird I thought, who would send me a conspicuous white envelope with no return address?. I took a beat and looked it over, it was light and a bit thick in the middle. I racked my brain trying to think who I might have pissed off, who might have good reason to send me a dusting of Anthrax?. I opened it slowly so as not to disturb it’s contents, I peaked in and there smiling out at me I found a single cojone, a blue one at that!

What twisted person would send me such a “package”, who would send me a smiley blue ball lapel pin?. Immediately my friend Sara came to mind, I sent her an inquisitive text to which she replied back “Do you like it?”. I told her that I did like it and that I thought she was “nuts”. I never thought I would admit it but I love receiving “Junk” mail.

Sara has recently created this clever little website, it’s called eager beaver, it would make me very happy if all 4 of you would go there, sign up and become eager beavers yourselves.

It’s Over!

January 4, 2011

I’m breaking up with you! You have been in my life for far too long and I’m leaving you for good. I realize it won’t be easy, I’ve become dependent on you to make me feel better about myself and you have done a masterful job manipulating me into believing that I need you.

The truth is I’ve known for a long time that I don’t need you, that I’m better than you and better off without you. I know, I know we’ve been through this before and I’ve heard all of your excuses as to why we should give it another shot but I will not fall for your lies this time. I’m going to tear you off like the f#*@ing leach you are once and for all.

Sure, you have comforted me through some difficult times and we have partied on more occasions then I can recall but for all I have given of myself all I ever get in return from you is misery. There will be pangs of fear over the empty space you leave behind but I’ve already got plans to fill those spots with new healthy relationships. I have a date with boxing next week and I have a new room mate taking your place at home in a couple of days. Her name is Vita-Mix, she’s a bit of a loud mouth but she makes me feel good about myself and she can cook.

Oh and I know we will see each other at those places we both seem to frequent. Obviously I can’t stop you from patronizing them but don’t bother saying hello, you are embarrassing and you reek.

Happier Times.

You have until midnight tonight to get your shit out!

The Broomstick Conspiracy

November 18, 2010

Word on the street is that the latest chapter in the Harry Potter “fantasy series” will be coming to a theatre near you this actual Friday.

Personally and to the chagrin of some of my nerdy, Dungeons and Dragon loving, medieval, cosplay sorcerer friends I have neither read nor seen a Harry Potter book or movie. Therefore you can be assured that I have checked and re-checked my facts before posting what I feel may turn the entire Hogwart’s community on their Potter Heads.

Recently while walking along Seymour Street in downtown Vancouver I came across this broomstick, possibly a Firebolt model but an expert would need to confirm. Looking up I recognized that this particular broomstick was parked directly in front of the BCIT (British Columbia Institute of Technology) downtown campus.

At first I didn’t take much notice. But on closer inspection realized that this was no ordinary broomstick people.

Brace yourselves. The fact is, it appears to belong to one Salazar Slytherin!!.

Harry Potter Wiki, the trusted and in my opinion only source for all things Potter states that Salazar Slytherin was one of the four founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and that though it isn’t known when, he is actually deceased!

Is Salazar Slytherin dead or is he alive and well living in Vancouver and studying or even running BCIT? Is it possible that you have all had a very complex spell cast on you, perhaps even the dreaded “Confundus”?

This is breaking news and will undoubtedly dominate media outlets worldwide. My apologies to William and Kate.


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