Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Happy Birthday Kristina!

February 28, 2012

Today is a very special day! Today is my dear friend Kristina’s birthday. Kristina is one of my favourite people ever in the whole world and I’d like to take a minute to tell you a little about her.

Most people are unaware that she has a massive left hand!

She has a sister called Chicken. As you can see from her expression you best not mess with the Chicken.

She was asked not to touch this frozen sculpture at the Kokannee factory. As soon as the bartender turned around she did this.

She has a wonderful supportive family...

...and a special bond with her Pops!

She likes the tall hairy type...

...but her current squeeze is a little man called the Bean!.

She has slept with the same stuffed animal since she was a little girl. He is a beaver named Bertie. This is not Bertie.

She enjoys taking a bike ride...

...and can wake board like the dickens!

I just like this photo.

She's been known to punch a pumpkin.

She's a great cook, her specialty is eggplant parmasean.

During the 2010 Olympics she was a member of the Beatty Street speed skating team.

This is her celebrating the moment she booked a vacation.

She wishes she had her own secret garden.

She's a talented Artist.

She is hygienic.

Her beauty is breathtaking...

...and she is my friend till the end. Even with the second head.

Kristina, I am so thankful you hopped on that elevator three years ago. You are selfless, thoughtful and so so supportive, you are generous to a fault, you have compassion for those less fortunate and a zest for life like no one I’ve ever known. I am truly blessed to know you!

Let’s all take a minute and wish Kristina a very Happy Birthday!


No Reconciliation

January 4, 2012

As today marks one year to the day that I broke up with cigarettes I felt it fitting to wish my lungs a Happy 1st Birthday.

Any of you that follow this blog know that typically this is the part where I would add photos of my lungs in their youth, learning to ride a bike, graduating from high school, playing beer pong and backpacking around Europe.

The truth is I no longer have any of those photos, I hacked them all up about a month after cigarettes left.


August 5, 2011

Recently, after three years of lugging around the technological dinosaur (a.k.a. the iPhone 3G) I re-signed away my telecommunication rights and $180.00 for another three years of costly and somewhat desultory cellphone service. In exchange for my renewed allegiance at some point within the next 30 days I would be receiving the amazing iPhone 4.

Oddly the new phone arrived in the mail just a day and a half later. I opened the box an admired it’s newness, it’s sleek updated design, it’s crystal clear resolution, the feel of it in my hand and of course all of the new earth changing scientific know-how within. Personally, I never dreamed of a day when I would have the ability to set different images of my Abs on both the “Home” and “Lock” screens simultaneously!

My old phone lay there looking dejected, it’s sad scratched face, it’s broken camera and incontinent random ringer. iSnubbed my nose at it’s 2008ness, iPffft at it!

I plugged in the SIM card and called my provider anxious to have my au courant device activated. Success! What a smooth transition I thought, the phone had arrived promptly, there was no run around with activation, and to top it all off the following day marked the start of ten days of summer holidays. What brilliant timing, just me and my new phone and the open road, I’m going to slap the Fat Face app on anyone who crosses my path for the next two weeks I reckoned!

The next morning my phone and I hit the road. Two ferry rides later we reached our destination. I will call my sister and let her know I’ve arrived in town I thought. Seconds later my sister picked up, “Hello” she said sounding a million miles away. “Hello, hello, can you hear me?” I replied. “I’m here, I can hear you” she said again. “You sound like you are are under water” I told her. “Weird, I can hear you fine” she said.

Initially I didn’t get my gonch in a knot, I figured perhaps my “City Fido” may just be giving the proverbial Angry “Bird” to my geo-location. Unfortunately I was wrong! For the next two weeks every call I received including test calls within the same room had me straining to make out each and every word. I bitched about it to anyone who would listen. Luckily, and strangely I thought, when I put callers on speaker phone I could hear them just fine?. Nonetheless I had had enough, this was unacceptable and I would be taking Fido to task upon my return.

The day I got back I made that call, our conversation went as follows…

customer service: “mumble mumble mumble mumble”

me: in a polite but assertive voice, “My phone isn’t working, you will have to speak up as i can barely hear you!”.

customer service: barely audible, “I can hear you fine, how can we help you today Mr. Evans?”

me: “Yeah well I can’t hear you and I’ve only had this phone for two weeks and I want to know what you are going to do about it!?”

20 minutes of tunnel talk later I deduced that I needed to take my phone in to any Fido store and that they would gladly sort me out in the flesh.

Skeptical, I picked up the phone typed “Fido” into the map app and started walking in the suggested direction. As I neared the store I began to prepare myself for the inevitable battle over what exactly happened to my phone and who was going to be responsible to fix it. I pulled my shoulders back puffed out my chest, walked in and took my place in line. A few minutes later a calmly looking woman called me up to the desk and asked how she could help me. Presenting my phone to her I explained how I had only had this phone for two weeks and that I had been away for those two weeks and that because of that I hadn’t had much reason to make any calls but that when I did I couldn’t hear people’s voices and that it was like communicating through one of those tin can and string phones we made as children except that people on the other end seemed to have no problem hearing me just fine. I took a breath.

“Oh well we can’t have that” she said, “Can I have a look at your phone sir?”. I passed her my phone, she gave it a quick scan, flipped it over and promptly began to peel off the manufacturers protective cellophane cover I had left on it’s flawless new face. “No No don’t remove that, I’ve purposely left that there until I find a sweet case worthy of protecting it”. If you remove that they wont believe that I’ve kept the phone pristine and I…I…I’m an iDiot.

Communication barrier

In my defense, and after having the calmly woman call me from across the room to pound the final nail into my iDiot coffin, she explained to me that this was normal, that others had made the same mistake and that indeed on past versions of the iPhone a small slit was cut out right where anyone in their right mind would imagine you might HEAR from!

“Junk” Mail

April 19, 2011

Do you ever receive snail mail anymore, I mean other than bills and flyers and the like?. I certainly don’t, well not until a few days ago that is. I opened my mailbox to find an envelope addressed to me but with no return address. Weird I thought, who would send me a conspicuous white envelope with no return address?. I took a beat and looked it over, it was light and a bit thick in the middle. I racked my brain trying to think who I might have pissed off, who might have good reason to send me a dusting of Anthrax?. I opened it slowly so as not to disturb it’s contents, I peaked in and there smiling out at me I found a single cojone, a blue one at that!

What twisted person would send me such a “package”, who would send me a smiley blue ball lapel pin?. Immediately my friend Sara came to mind, I sent her an inquisitive text to which she replied back “Do you like it?”. I told her that I did like it and that I thought she was “nuts”. I never thought I would admit it but I love receiving “Junk” mail.

Sara has recently created this clever little website, it’s called eager beaver, it would make me very happy if all 4 of you would go there, sign up and become eager beavers yourselves.

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